INFj gone bad

[Slacker]

My sister is driving me CRAZY. She was just dumped last week by her boyfriend (I think ENFp but I'm wondering if I'm thrown off by the fact that he actually is a psychologist) so I'm trying to give her a break but I swear I'm going to kill her.

My in-laws are visiting for my daughter's birthday, and my sister decided when she heard my in-laws were visiting that she'd buy my parents plane tickets and get them up here too. BUT she didn't actually think things through. She has their departure date set as Saturday, which is the day of my daughter's birthday party. And she wants me to change the date of my daughter's party (for which I've paid a $150 deposit and have had 20 little kids RSVP already) because she wants mom and dad to be there. AND she also thinks I should be driving mom and dad to the airport with her. And she is continually punishing me in her little passive-aggressive way because of COURSE she can't come right out and tell me why she's angry and fight with me about it. She's always making plans and assuming other people will bail her out. So her plan *WITHOUT ASKING ME* was to have my brother drive with her to/from the airport with my parents and have me babysit my niece and nephew WHILE I'M RUNNING ERRANDS AND GETTING READY FOR A PARTY with 20 little kids. Because of course that's easier for me than for her to drive to an airport an hour away by herself. She is very very angry that I said NO to that and she is still trying to punish me. So, to punish me, she invited my in-laws out to lunch without me, and also without my husband or my daughter - you know, the people the in-laws are here to visit. This might not seem like much of a punishment but that's how my sister punishes people - she slights them and pretends she isn't doing it intentionally. My in-laws didn't get it and were completely oblivious and said, "Why wouldn't (my husband, daughter, and I) go?" So now I will have to go to lunch with my passive-aggressive sister on Wednesday.

And then, because my parents can't go to my daughter's birthday party that I planned, she decided to make another birthday party the day before. BUT AGAIN she just assumed we'd be available and didn't think it through. She set it up for while my daughter is in preschool and my husband is at work. So I said it would have to wait until that evening and she said she had to work that evening so it couldn't be then. So again, I'm in the wrong here because I won't force my husband to take the day off work (without pay at this point because he's used up all his vacation between us going to Australia in February, his folks being here, and us going to Disneyworld in a couple of weeks) and take my daughter out of preschool that day so we can go to this party she hadn't checked with me about before she planned.

She is also upset because my husband won't pay for my brother's divorce attorney. My husband said that he isn't getting divorced so he isn't going to pay for a divorce attorney, and he's very upset that there is an expectation that he should. And she doesn't come right out and tell me she wants it, she just keeps hinting about it because she can't come out and tell you anything. She also thinks I should reimburse her for my parents' plane fare. Like I can just give her money without talking to my husband about it - since he is the one who actually has a job and has money. And I know my husband will say no, and continually telling him my family wants his money just makes him dislike my family more.

So this is a long and boring story I'm sure. Ah the silly drama of my life. My sister and I are mirrors. We're supposed to get along pretty well. We *generally* do but . . . ACK.

I did find out this week that my ISFp father-in-law doesn't particularly like my ENTj mother. I hadn't noticed any particular interaction between them to get a scope of how he felt about her. But when I was complaining he said a few things about my mother telling people things like she's the expert about it all the time. So chalk another relationship in my family up to fitting the Socionics expectations.

[Reuben]

Your family is quite interesting. Just like how you probably are.

Eh..

My dad is ISTp (I'm learning a lot from him, and vice versa). My bro is INFj (we energize each other after getting bashed up by) my Mum who is ISTj.

I told my dad he married the wrong woman. He's fine with that.

I told the same thing to my mum.

...

I'm glad I'm still alive to speak to you all.

[Creepy-Diana]

.

[cracka]

<---Happy that I don't have any in-laws. Couple that with the fact that my closest family is 2600 miles away... woot.

In-laws = drama that I'd rather not deal with.
Cracka + no drama = happy Cracka.

sorry to hear your stories, they both sound like crappy situations to be in.

[Slacker]

Oh wow Diana - that would make me furious!!!

Being pushy and annoying isn't type related, but the way she does it is the way an INFj would if she were pushy and annoying. She avoids conflict, so it's all very underhanded and passive-aggressive. She'll never talk to me about things up-front. I think different types have different ways of being pushy. My ENFj dad is much more forceful when he gets controlling, for instance.

[jewels]

Slacker Mom, wow, that sounds like an awful situation. I can't believe she'd expect you to do that.

I've had a similar experience (though not nearly that exterme) w/ an INFJ also. It annoys me to no end that she can't be up-front about situations and is so passive aggressive. She also assumes I will go along with whatever plans she makes (without even asking if a certain day is a good day for me to take a trip, etc.) And then if I can't make it to do something that she's set up in a way that's very inconvenient for me, she gets all quiet and acts like this is shocking that I wouldn't just do whatever she wanted. And then she'll make plans with my other friends and not invite me (friends that I introduced her to that she doesn't even know very well).

Like, I told her I was planning on moving to another city (I was planning on going alone, since I meet people pretty easily). She said she'd always wanted to move to that city, but didn't have the guts to go alone. But that now that i was going, she would go to. So she gives me a date that "we" are going to move. I tell her that isn't a good time for me and that I need to get a job first before I move. She says that I should just get a job when I get there (and rent is like hugely expensive here, so without a job there's no way I could afford rent). I told her I'd move as soon as I had a job for sure. Even though she doesn't have a job yet, she's set a date for her to "move" even though it will be impossible to move to such an expensive area w/o a job (and she doesn't have the money to do that). I know she's a J type so likes to plan, but some things you just can't plan..arrg...

I'm not really sure if it's a type thing, or if some people are just more selfish than others. But I have notice the avoidance of conflict in INFJs. I prefer to just get everything out on the table, honestly, and not in a manipulative way at all, and just find a way to compromise. I hate this little games...

But then I have another INFJ friend who I haven't had these problems with, but I don't know him as well.

Anway, hopefully that situation will resolve itself Slacker Mom. It sounds very frustrating...

[Creepy-Diana]

.

[Slacker]

Oh Jewels that is EXACTLY like my sister. The thing about moving and her all of a sudden deciding she wants to move there too- she does that kind of thing all the time. Like we'll decide to go on a vacation somewhere and she'll say, "oh I've always wanted to go there" and say she's going to go at the exact same time - like not *with* us supposedly but she'll be right there at the same time by coincidence. She almost was just by chance going to Disneyworld at the same time we'll be there after we had told her we were going, but then she was dating this boyfriend and he decided he wanted to do something else at that time so she changed her mind.

[Minde]

I'm pretty sure my sister is ENFp, and we don't usually have that type of problem. I'll admit that I occasionally have passive-aggressive tendencies, but the closer I am to someone the easier it is for me to express what I'm feeling or wanting from them. Without attempting to indirectly punish or coerce them. I'm very close to my sister, and she'd be one of the first to tell you that I'm very direct when she's done something to upset me. If anything, she's the one who's had trouble communicating her own displeasure to me, though it's gotten a lot better.

[stefana]

i will go insane if i were in that situation... and probably explode in her face if i cannot take it anymore. that was what happened to me and one of my sisters. a huge row resulted and cutting remarks were tossed at each other. and i thought that the days of our childish rows were very much over ! that said, she was the more mature one in that situation because she called me to clear the air up. after listening to each other's *clears throat* grievances, we became peaceful again but i can't help thinking that the argument was a great mistake in hindsight (those words).

hmm.. since she's your sister, i bet you could just be straight with her (before things go bad). if she never knew how some of her actions disappoint and offend you a great deal, she will likely just continue behaving that way, not reckoning with your and your husband's feelings. i don't want to bring in her type as i think it's not particularly related, but there are people who will try to get away with as many things if you allow them. this is probably not always conscious on their part but they are so used to having the liberty to behave in such manner that they are not aware of their insensitivity towards you.

[Reuben]

You girls are fun to talk to.

[Exodus]

Your family is quite interesting. Just like how you probably are.

Eh..

My dad is ISTp (I'm learning a lot from him, and vice versa). My bro is INFj (we energize each other after getting bashed up by) my Mum who is ISTj.

I told my dad he married the wrong woman. He's fine with that.

I told the same thing to my mum.

...

I'm glad I'm still alive to speak to you all.

You know, I've considered telling that to my ISTj mother, who is engaged to an ESFp. The potential implications are unfathomable. (Though I'm leaving home soon anyway, so I don't care so much.)

I admire that you had the guts to do it.

[Reuben]

Eh. The best way to win a war is not to fight it, and this post itself is ironic confidence at best.

I've finally learnt to apply that word of wisdom [ ], and one of the better ways to go about with my ISTj mum is:

"I don't dabble with your things, you don't dabble with mine."

I treat her as the child she really is, and I am patient with her.

She fears me. (Go ahead, roll your eyes people :wink: )

She has a lot of garbage emotions; when I try to feel her emotions in my body [technically that is percieving Fi through Ne *with* Si, but anyway] I feel like junk, like a rushing train that's about to fall off the cliff into oblivion.

An SiTe's empathy is strong; for although we may sway sides, sometimes up into the ultraviolet, the x-rays, the cosmic rays, and then down into the infrared, the radar waves, the subsonic, but we will remain always faithful to the only spectrum of visible colours that we truly live in. We are the calm over the oceans, the mountain that stands firm, the wave of light that everyone can see, but cannot feel, and cannot hear, like we can.

We are able to stay strong and stand our ground even with strong emotions, because what are emotions but another spectrum-vibration in the light of Si?

In the light of Si, there is nothing to truly fear, for

perfect love casts out all fear;

Love knows all


And accepts all.

[mikemex]

She's just agitated for the situation. It can be a big internal drama when people get dumped.

Like with ENFp, INFj are just as susceptible to an unhealthy influence from Fe. She just tries to release the tension, because it's deeply frustrating when you want something and there is nothing you can do about it, in inappropiate ways.

I think that situation with the boyfriend is the root of the whole situation. She needs affection and uses her nephew, parents and you to compensate.

[Slacker]

Yeah, I know it's hard to be dumped. And she was thinking this relationship was going to lead to marriage. It was headed in that direction anyway.

She does this general kind of thing regularly - like wanting her problems solved and not noticing how her proposed solutions effect other people - but it's much worse in this case and I have no doubt that's why.

[Reuben]

With all problematic people (a.k.a. my beloved mother),

treating them as infants works the best.

You laugh with them as you watch them make mistakes;

the same ones that they have been making their entire lives...

all over again.

You shush them as they make bigger ones, for

the baby must not cry, if so, change nappies and give suckling milkbottles. Breasts will do fine, but don't forget,

they aren't really infants, so watch where you stick your chest.

You pamper them with your love and attention, not yet affection,

because affection is only developed after you are able to see them as lovable infants,

thus it is not right to say 'pamper them with affection'

though many will argue that love and affection is one and the same. Go ahead, debate. Meanwhile...

You hug them,

and hold them,

and tell them how precious you are to them

without words,

because it gets all corny when you start doing so.

And therefore,

God bless us all.

[Slacker]

I think you're really cool and all so please don't take this the wrong way, but why and how did you every decide you were ISTp?

[Reuben]

In my relations toward the likes of you

I find a deep

sincere

appreciation of my work.

And this be, I find, another rareness too:

that thou shalt comprehend the subtleties within each bit

each byte of me,

and every quirk.

[Slacker]

Well I think you're an ISFp, which would make us semi-duals. But you seem to be seriously Fe and poetic. If I didn't have such a good reaction to you I'd say INFp, but I won't discard that possibility.

[Reuben]

From my soul...

My poetry flows less freely

than your usual ISFp;

crafted with precision unlike

dreamy INFp;

singing with a purpose 'twix that

rhyme and mime and meter,

bless me with your praises

and I will

in all honesty

and power

and grace.

Keep things novel.

(And let's keep this secret shall we, I may be ISFp after all.)

[Topaz]

NoOOOOOOooooo stay ISTP!

[leckysupport]

NoOOOOOOooooo stay ISTP!

Just face the facts. Your dual is a soulless unexpressive brick, who's only use is to stack bricks. Just try and convince yourself all you want to have in your life is a brick stacker, IT WILL MAKE YOU HAPPY.

[Topaz]

NoOOOOOOooooo stay ISTP!

Just face the facts. Your dual is a soulless unexpressive brick, who's only use is to stack bricks. Just try and convince yourself all you want to have in your life is a brick stacker, IT WILL MAKE YOU HAPPY.

Thats not true. they can work on motorcycles too. Besides maybe I dont want to be happy. Maybe I just want to be entertained.

[Exodus]

NoOOOOOOooooo stay ISTP!

Just face the facts. Your dual is a soulless unexpressive brick, who's only use is to stack bricks. Just try and convince yourself all you want to have in your life is a brick stacker, IT WILL MAKE YOU HAPPY.

lol.

http://socionist.blogspot.com/2007/0...-anything.html

[Topaz]

NoOOOOOOooooo stay ISTP!

Just face the facts. Your dual is a soulless unexpressive brick, who's only use is to stack bricks. Just try and convince yourself all you want to have in your life is a brick stacker, IT WILL MAKE YOU HAPPY.

lol.

http://socionist.blogspot.com/2007/0...-anything.html

thanks. Thats just perfect.

[Reuben]

*calmly lays bricks*

God bless the USA.

[flower]

Your family is quite interesting. Just like how you probably are.

Eh..

My dad is ISTp (I'm learning a lot from him, and vice versa). My bro is INFj (we energize each other after getting bashed up by) my Mum who is ISTj.

I told my dad he married the wrong woman. He's fine with that.

I told the same thing to my mum.

...

I'm glad I'm still alive to speak to you all.

I almost wet myself, my dad is ISTj and I totally know what your talking about.