Romancing an SLI

[Kim]

Back to basics darlings:

SLI meets IEE and they hit it off on the first date. What would be the most typical way for SLI to proceed?

[Adam Strange]

Back to basics darlings:

SLI meets IEE and they hit it off on the first date. What would be the most typical way for SLI to proceed?

SLI will ignore the IEE until the IEE presses for contact. Then, the SLI will ignore the IEE some more, until the IEE gets in the SLI's face. Then the SLI will grudgingly go out with the IEE, but only if the IEE shows the SLI a good time, like a party with a lot of people. (Especially good is if the SLI can show what a great person they are to the crowd. Family get-togethers might work for this.) Then the SLI will go back to the main task of conserving his time and resources, until the IEE presses for contact again.
Rinse, repeat.

What in the world does the IEE see in the SLI? Someone who is dependable, sensible, and is always able to bring the required resources to the task.
What does the SLI see in the IEE? Someone who finally appreciates and respects the SLI for the incredibly capable person they believe themselves to be.

[Olimpia]

SLI will ignore the IEE until the IEE presses for contact. Then, the SLI will ignore the IEE some more, until the IEE gets in the SLI's face. Then the SLI will grudgingly go out with the IEE, but only if the IEE shows the SLI a good time, like a party with a lot of people. (Especially good is if the SLI can show what a great person they are to the crowd. Family get-togethers might work for this.) Then the SLI will go back to the main task of conserving his time and resources, until the IEE presses for contact again.
Rinse, repeat.

What in the world does the IEE see in the SLI? Someone who is dependable, sensible, and is always able to bring the required resources to the task.
What does the SLI see in the IEE? Someone who finally appreciates and respects the SLI for the incredibly capable person they believe themselves to be.

This is SPOT ON.

[666]

Back to basics darlings:

SLI meets IEE and they hit it off on the first date. What would be the most typical way for SLI to proceed?

Maybe he will think about you and not call. But SLI tend to be quite mentally independent, so it would probably depend on what their Si picks up in the ether, whether they wait and see or take further action

I think my longest relationship was with an SLI (4 years). I couldn't really tell if he was interested at first, but after a few dates I was giving some sort of pressure and he told me directly that he liked me. Nevertheless, I basically had to drive everything forward for the first couple months, and then an odd circumstance found us pooling resources and living together, so things got more familiar fast. I expect subsequent details will be unusual thus useless to you

He technically asked me out, but seemed more casual about it than he was—"do you want to get drinks..." /promptly sits at crowded bar when I was under 21. He didn't call it dating until after we started living together. Ips may be similar in expecting impetus to begin outside themselves, and I think Si bases want you to see something in them (I don't know if you're supposed to say this, but my ex responded positively when I told him we could stably continue a relationship for quite some time). He especially didn't rush to bed, but that may have been due to bad experiences in his past. He didn't like any restrictive or possessive behavior, which I occasionally exhibited, but he had a surprisingly positive response to being invited to spend 1:1 time—despite 'mean mugging' or whatever most of the time, he was very openly happy when I politely asked to decrease distance

One more thing.. he appreciated intelligence and good humor. When he told me he worked in audiovisual, I sneered and asked if he worked at Blockbuster. He found that tremendously amusing

[ashlesha]

My experience was similar to 666s. He played it cool for awhile, but not in a flaky way. Was unawkwardly straightforward about interest level when it was brought up but was not the type to forwardly propel the relationship progress. In a way, just kind of 'there' (not a bad thing at all)

[666]

Then, the SLI will ignore the IEE some more, until the IEE gets in the SLI's face. Then the SLI will grudgingly go out with the IEE, but only if the IEE shows the SLI a good time, like a party with a lot of people. (Especially good is if the SLI can show what a great person they are to the crowd.

I think you are confusing things again. IEE are a whirlwind, but they seldom directly get in your face.

Big parties aren't really the delta scene

And SLI may genuinely not give a fuck what others think

[Kim]

Thank you - this is all very helpful. I think I am just in this awkward phase between a (very promising) first date and the agreement on a second date. He did on a few occasions during the first date hint at doing stuff together ("I have never been fishing" - "Oh, we need to change that"), so I think he is as interested as I am, but he does not communicate as much as I would like (but always responds to my texts). I don't mind initiating the contact at all, but I can get so over-excited and don't want to be a pest.

[applejacks]

Speaking from personal experience here, but my SLI made it clear about his intentions through regular daily phone calls. A week after we started dating, he then told me that he took his match.com profile offline, hinting at exclusivity. I told him that I would do the same. He mostly hinted at first, but I was able to decipher well enough judging from his actions and consistency. He would even write emails and say things such as, "I really *like* you", well before we ever uttered the L-O-V-E word to one another.

And as far as generic dating / love advice goes, I always tell my friends this: with the right one, neither of you will play games.


​Have fun

[Kim]

And as far as generic dating / love advice goes, I always tell my friends this: with the right one, neither of you will play games.


​Have fun

I am trying! But I like him too much for comfort.

[applejacks]

I am trying! But I like him too much for comfort.

Ohhhh the old Fi shield! It's a trusty mechanism, even if it's annoyingly guarded sometimes.

[Beautiful sky]

He should call you and ask you out to do things with him regularly

[Kim]

He should call you and ask you out to do things with him regularly

Do you mean that is what he should do as the man following a date or it is what an SLI would do?

Tbh, I am not into this gendered dating thing. I actually really appreciated, for example, that he let me pay for dinner. He drove over three hours roundtrip to meet me, so I told him that I want to pay for dinner a) because he made the effort to drive out and b) because I wanted to be able to comfortably order everything I want without having to worry about how much it will cost him. It was a great dinner because I turned it into the ultimate seafood feast and he went right along.

So yeah, I am not worried about who contacts whom first. But I already couldn't hide how absolutely mesmerized I was by him during the date, so I don't want to come across like a clingy stalker.

[wacey]

Do you mean that is what he should do as the man following a date or it is what an SLI would do?

Tbh, I am not into this gendered dating thing. I actually really appreciated, for example, that he let me pay for dinner. He drove over three hours roundtrip to meet me, so I told him that I want to pay for dinner a) because he made the effort to drive out and b) because I wanted to be able to comfortably order everything I want without having to worry about how much it will cost him. It was a great dinner because I turned it into the ultimate seafood feast and he went right along.

So yeah, I am not worried about who contacts whom first. But I already couldn't hide how absolutely mesmerized I was by him during the date, so I don't want to come across like a clingy stalker.

At the right time....you need help quick because________, and he is the only person you could think to call because _____________. Your _________ broke down, does he have any suggestions? Shower with praises.

[Kim]

At the right time....you need help quick because________, and he is the only person you could think to call because _____________. Your _________ broke down, does he have any suggestions? Shower with praises.

LOVE IT! I think my car has been making strange noises lately...

[Kim]

I didn't think about type during the date, but in retrospect it's so endearing how much I learned about distilling whiskey and fly fishing...I never thought either topic could be so entirely mesmerizing...

[epheme]

And as far as generic dating / love advice goes, I always tell my friends this: with the right one, neither of you will play games.

I like this and I find it to be true.

[Mr inappropriate]

Get physical. lol. man are simple, SLI or not. most of the time.

[Kim]

Over it (but thanks all).

[SongOfSapphire]

SLI will ignore the IEE until the IEE presses for contact. Then, the SLI will ignore the IEE some more, until the IEE gets in the SLI's face. Then the SLI will grudgingly go out with the IEE, but only if the IEE shows the SLI a good time, like a party with a lot of people. (Especially good is if the SLI can show what a great person they are to the crowd. Family get-togethers might work for this.) Then the SLI will go back to the main task of conserving his time and resources, until the IEE presses for contact again.
Rinse, repeat.

This is not what my early experience dating my husband was like all, fwiw.

My dh and I went on a date (I initiated contact w him, and after a bit of conversation/exchanged emails [this was on a dating site] he asked me out)... he texted that night to say he had a good time and to ask me out again... we went out a week later (I was very busy at the time, and I was also wary of seeming too interested)... we went out a second time... on and on. But I didn't "get in his face" at all, and if I had I wonder if I would have emasculated him. When I asked him he said he wouldn't have minded, but it wouldn't have been my way (as a result of learning the hard way to let the guy chase). YMMV, but that's my experience.

[SongOfSapphire]

Over it (but thanks all).

Oh, just saw this. Well, he must have been lame then... on to the next

[Beautiful sky]

SLI take body language more seriously than conversation or words
Making eye contact, and how your voice sounds, hugs will give them motivation to take the next move.

This. Look in their eyes when they talk to you and bring up stuff to talk about without criticizing them for their point of view

[Beautiful sky]

Do you mean that is what he should do as the man following a date or it is what an SLI would do?

Tbh, I am not into this gendered dating thing. I actually really appreciated, for example, that he let me pay for dinner. He drove over three hours roundtrip to meet me, so I told him that I want to pay for dinner a) because he made the effort to drive out and b) because I wanted to be able to comfortably order everything I want without having to worry about how much it will cost him. It was a great dinner because I turned it into the ultimate seafood feast and he went right along.

So yeah, I am not worried about who contacts whom first. But I already couldn't hide how absolutely mesmerized I was by him during the date, so I don't want to come across like a clingy stalker.

here's something that you will enjoy reading...brought to you by R*euben

http://www.thebolde.com/future-husba...8-differences/

You’re seeing this guy. And you can’t tell if he’s the one or just a waste of your time, aka an asshole. We’re here to help:


1. Your future husband brings out the best in you. An asshole brings out the crazy, stalker bitch in you.

2. Your future husband values commitment and partnership. An asshole is just trying to hang out.

3. Your future husband sees your success as his success. An asshole needs to take you down a notch.

4. Your future husband thinks you’re the most beautiful woman in the world. An asshole’s eyes keep wandering.

5. Your future husband makes you feel secure. An asshole makes you want to check his phone.

6. Your future husband prioritizes your happiness. An asshole prioritizes his own happiness.

7. Your future husband enjoys conversation with you. An asshole just wants you to be quiet.

8. Your future husband makes plans with you in advance. An asshole always pops up out of nowhere the same day.

9. Your future husband creates a feeling of forward momentum in the relationship. An asshole wants to keep things exactly as they are.

10. Your future husband makes it clear he’s into you. An asshole keeps you wondering.

11. Your future husband makes you feel chased. An asshole is someone you’re always struggling to pin down.


12. Your future husband consistently reaches out to you. An asshole goes radio silent for days.

13. Your future husband texts you just to check in. An asshole texts you when he wants something.

14. Your future husband asks about you and your life. An asshole couldn’t care less.

15. Your future husband is great in real life. An asshole looks good only on paper, if that.

16. Your future husband treats you like a priority. An asshole makes you feel like a backup plan.

17. Your future husband does nice little things for you, just because. An asshole doesn’t.

18. Your future husband wants to show you off to his friends and family. An asshole hides you from them.

[Kim]

This. Look in their eyes when they talk to you and bring up stuff to talk about without criticizing them for their point of view

Well that is the confusing part. He was very engaged, looked me in the eyes when we talked, asked me questions, engaged with my answers, was interested in my life, took in my surroundings, indicated that we will do things together in the future, was courteous, sweet, and affectionate. Expressed that he likes me.

And then barely a text. I find that disrespectful. Either you ARE interested as you say, in which case you can spare a minute for a text. Or you are not interested, in which case a) you don't act like you are and b) tell me (especially when I ask you to do that).

I haven't closed the chapter yet because I do realize people have lives and quirks, but I am less than impressed and at times I get so frustrated because with each jerk (not yet saying he is one, but there have been plenty) I meet and date, I get more suspicious with the next one and it's not fair to the good guys out there. I also don't like being suspicious and negative - that's not my nature.

/rant

I am actually not overly sad about it (just disappointed because it was so promising and I really enjoyed the date) because we have not been talking for that long and only met once, I am just ranting about people being confusing.

Thank heavens I am a 7....

[wacey]

Well that is the confusing part. He was very engaged, looked me in the eyes when we talked, asked me questions, engaged with my answers, was interested in my life, took in my surroundings, indicated that we will do things together in the future, was courteous, sweet, and affectionate. Expressed that he likes me.

And then barely a text. I find that disrespectful. Either you ARE interested as you say, in which case you can spare a minute for a text. Or you are not interested, in which case a) you don't act like you are and b) tell me (especially when I ask you to do that).

I haven't closed the chapter yet because I do realize people have lives and quirks, but I am less than impressed and at times I get so frustrated because we each jerk (not yet saying he is one, but there have been plenty) I meet and date, I get more suspicious with the next one and it's not fair to the good guys out there. I also don't like being suspicious and negative - that's not my nature.

/rant

I am actually not overly sad about it (just disappointed because it was so promising and I really enjoyed the date) because we have not been talking for that long and only met once, I am just ranting about people being confusing.

Thank heavens I am a 7....

Not type related Kim. A jerk is a jerk.

[Kim]

Not type related Kim. A jerk is a jerk.

And even if it were type-related, I am really over rationalizing behavior that doesn't work for me.

[wacey]

And even if it were type-related, I am really over rationalizing behavior that doesn't work for me.

Just for arguments sake how would ignoring your texts and attention be SLI?

[Kim]

Just for arguments sake how would ignoring your texts and attention be SLI?

I could see an SLI feeling that things were clearly laid out during the date and need no further affirmation and getting wrapped up in work and the immediacy of daily life and stress and what have you. Attentive when you are in his physical space, withdrawn when you are not. That being said, my SLI ex was the opposite, very attentive, but his love language was time spending.

It doesn't matter. I don't like it and that's that. I like his reaction to my inquiries even less. Don't like to be patronized.

[wacey]

I could see an SLI feeling that things were clearly laid out during the date and need no further affirmation and getting wrapped up in work and the immediacy of daily life and stress and what have you. Attentive when you are in his physical space, withdrawn when you are not. That being said, my SLI ex was the opposite, very attentive, but his love language was time spending.

It doesn't matter. I don't like it and that's that. I like his reaction to my inquiries even less. Don't patronize me.

Ok I understand what you mean now and what it looks like with immediacy and being wrapped up in other things. Not sure where the patronizing comment comes from.

[Kim]

Ok I understand what you mean now and what it looks like with immediacy and being wrapped up in other things. Not sure where the patronizing comment comes from.

He responded to my inquiries in a patronizing way. My wording was confusing, sorry.

[wacey]

He responded to my inquiries in a patronizing way. My wording was confusing, sorry.

I could just imagine that and I could see my gut check reaction. Not sure where you are at in your social life stage development. All I know that that kind of behavior is horse shit.

Still....... It just sucks doesn't it?

[wacey]

"Well alright then you dont like texts so why don't we spend more actuall time together?"

Is how I would feel and probably say.

[Kim]

"Well alright then you dont like texts so why don't we spend more actuall time together?"

Is how I would feel and probably say.

I did tell him I would like to see him again. I am not exactly subtle when it comes to expressing what I would like to do.

[Kim]

I could just imagine that and I could see my gut check reaction. Not sure where you are at in your social life stage development. All I know that that kind of behavior is horse shit.

Still....... It just sucks doesn't it?

Sucks a lot. Of all the men I have met since my break-up with the long-term relationship, he seemed to be someone who worked on all levels (personality, attraction, chemistry, values, career compatibility, ease of conversation, mutual interests, flexibility, etc. it seemed to all be there). In my particular life and career situation, that's very hard to find. Ironically, part of the reason I liked him was because he seemed dependable and "noble" (for lack of a better word). He seemed solid. So this is really a bummer (especially since he was sweet and affectionate throughout and in his first texts the days after) :/

[Kim]

It's fine. Live and learn. I would rather put myself out there and be disappointed than staying at home moping about being single. I am getting exceptionally good at the dusting off thing.

[wacey]

Sucks a lot. Of all the men I have met since my break-up with the long-term relationship, he seemed to be someone who worked on all levels (personality, attraction, chemistry, values, career compatibility, ease of conversation, mutual interests, flexibility, etc. it seemed to all be there). In my particular life and career situation, that's very hard to find. Ironically, part of the reason I liked him was because he seemed dependable and "noble" (for lack of a better word). He seemed solid. So this is really a bummer (especially since he was sweet and affectionate throughout and in his first texts the days after) :/

Hugs.

Well who knows what the future holds. Stranger things do happen. Sometimes a little space goes a long way with some people. You could be like me, I eat and breath disappointment. Not much gets to me now.

[Kim]

Hugs.

Well who knows what the future holds. Stranger things do happen. Sometimes a little space goes a long way with some people. You could be like me, I eat and breath disappointment. Not much gets to me now.

Now THIS is type-related.

I am annoyed and have deleted the conversation with him because I don't want to impulse text, but I have a shred of hope left I guess. Yoga, running, work. #copingskills

[wacey]

Now THIS is type-related.

I am annoyed and have deleted the conversation with him because I don't want to impulse text, but I have a shred of hope left I guess. Yoga, running, work. #copingskills

I've seen this and understand it. I also delete conversations into the ether forever. Its hard for me cause I think my duals in comparison pull the trigger and its me doing the easy killer lets slow this down.

[Kim]

I've seen this and understand it. I also delete conversations into the ether forever. Its hard for me cause I think my duals in comparison pull the trigger and its me doing the easy killer lets slow this down.

Deleting conversation is a sanity-saving life skill.

As for the slowing things down, that will never be me I am afraid.

[SongOfSapphire]

I feel like SLI men are 1 - men and 2 - sensing types so, introverts or not, they are the ones best left as the main pursuer, at least for a real relationship as opposed to just hooking up. I dated three SLI guys whose types I'm sure of: the first (before I knew socionics) pursued me and things worked well until we broke up due to ntr issues; the second (after I knew socionics) was pursued by me, and things did not work out at all; the third (after I knew socionics and also after I had learned what I interpreted as a valuable lesson in letting the guy lead) pursued me and we ended up getting married.

One thing I have observed about SLI guys, including my husband, is that they tend to take for granted what they have sometimes, especially when it comes right to them...which imo is part of why it's better not to chase them but to let them pursue in the beginning, while you just be your lovely, bubbly, interesting and interested IEE self. That way you get to observe and find out if they're really interested, and they get to learn from experience that they want to be w you.

The guy you describe, @Kim, does sound flaky. It's his loss if he doesn't come around, imo...like I said, on to the next + enjoying your own life in the meantime. (...as cheesy as that may sound )

*waiting for someone to say I'm a mistyped victim type married to a mistyped aggressor after this post *

[Kim]

I feel like SLI men are 1 - men and 2 - sensing types so, introverts or not, they are the ones best left as the main pursuer, at least for a real relationship as opposed to just hooking up. I dated three SLI guys whose types I'm sure of: the first (before I knew socionics) pursued me and things worked well until we broke up due to ntr issues; the second (after I knew socionics) was pursued by me, and things did not work out at all; the third (after I knew socionics and also after I had learned what I interpreted as a valuable lesson in letting the guy lead) pursued me and we ended up getting married.

One thing I have observed about SLI guys, including my husband, is that they tend to take for granted what they have sometimes, especially when it comes right to them...which imo is part of why it's better not to chase them but to let them pursue in the beginning, while you just be your lovely, bubbly, interesting and interested IEE self. That way you get to observe and find out if they're really interested, and they get to learn from experience that they want to be w you.

The guy you describe, @Kim, does sound flaky. It's his loss if he doesn't come around, imo...like I said, on to the next + enjoying your own life in the meantime. (...as cheesy as that may sound )

*waiting for someone to say I'm a mistyped victim type married to a mistyped aggressor after this post *

I just really can't play along with the pursuer thing. I feel like I am excitable and I want to express excitement, so for me to step back and act like he needs to chase me feels like a performance. If he does not want to be with me because I am "too easily available," then he is probably not for me anyway. It just would feel inauthentic and forced to me.