Okay. Um, my relationships at the moment ... well, I have a close circle of girl friends that I connected with this year (to my surprise) consisting of an LII, an ESE, and two LSIs. Yes, based on this, it is very difficult to support my being SEE.
However - I do not and have never felt entirely comfortable with this group, despite being with them most of my time in school. In truth, they drain the life out of me, but seeing as it is my final year of high school and my old group of friends have all left and graduated, I am sort of "stuck". I am by no means demeaning them or undermining their value towards me. I love them dearly and without them, I would most likely be pretty much a loner. Or not - actually, I think I'd know how to fend for myself and make new friends. It's just that I don't feel like doing so because there are only so few months left and I'm never going to see these people anymore. It takes work to "infiltrate" a set clique of people, especially when these cliques have grown and strengthened in the 4 years of high school.
My old group of friends that graduated... well, I got close with them sort of by fluke. Grade 10 & 11 were definitely the happiest times of my life. I finally felt like I'd found a set of people compatible with me. They were much more fun-loving and outgoing, which these girls are not. That's the problem - I'm consistently bored on the weekends because I used to have so many things to do, so many events to go to and people to socialize with ... now I don't. Anyway, these people were mostly IEEs interestingly enough, and there was an ILI in the mix, as well as a couple of IEIs. I was never close with the ILI, actually I am not sure if he is ILI ... but the others I'm sure of. I got along swimmingly with all of them, and I guess I enjoyed the attention they provided me since most of them were males and I was usually the only female. That's another thing - I love the company of males and have realized I am competitive with basically every single female I set my eyes on. It's pretty unhealthy, but I think it has roots with my bad relationship with my mom.
I notice that I like people who are either Ixxp or Exxp temperament, because I feel like I can really let loose and stop containing myself as I have been containing myself for so long. This is destroying my sense of self really, I feel like I don't know who I am anymore. I'm around too many boring Ixxjs. I think my "shadow" is coming out - like I'm forced to introvert lately and it's really killing me.
I notice that I actually DON'T offer
as readily as
ego types do. The way they impose themselves on other peoples' emotions is just irritating. I'm not happy, so don't try and make me happy or even cheer me up. I would rather just talk about it maybe, not smooth it over with fake happiness. I don't like fakeness, but who does?!
My parents constantly tell me to be smile more and be more friendly because apparently I am not whenever I meet their friends, etc. I abhor it when they tell me to do that because I don't sacrifice my inner feelings to create an external mood for other people just because "it's the right thing to do" in a social situation. I think that is the clearest example of how I value
- although I am very bubbly to people I like and whatnot. I am actually heavily against "faking" any kind of emotion to get by... if I feel like shit, I feel like shit and you're going to know about it because I'm not going to hide it just for the sake of keeping you happy.
Also, I do not think I even understand
much because I've been so concerned with thinking about what
is and how I demonstrate that function, where it could easily be that I've been mistaken.
People that complement me :
Eccentric and alternative people. I love anyone bizarre - something to spark my interest, especially people that seem twisted or "dark". I LOVE that! I want to get to know them more, because they really fascinate me. I'd say they complement me because I'm really a very twisted person myself and to have the company of someone who won't shun that and will embrace that is nice. I value ambition in others and like those unafraid of being ruthless when it is necessary to be. People who seem a little battered and broken or even 'cut-off' from the world interest me because I see myself in them. I wouldn't feel so alone.
Another thing - if I were in a romantic relationship with someone, I would definitely want them to be almost a loner (lol) ... I'm so selfish that I want them all for myself, so that I know they will never run away or find someone else. Kinda like I "own" them and only I can give them that special love... yikes, I sound disturbing.
People that annoy me - Basically the opposite of all that I said above. Closemindedness, but that's a given for most people right? I mean, no one would say that they value closemindedness.
I don't really like extraverts - it's like they steal my rightful spotlight and I don't want to compete for attention. Oh, also - I don't like emotional, overly gushy people especially in relationships.
My approach to life? I don't really know, I don't have any set rules or anything about it. I see life as an adventure, a mission. During this stage of my life, I have come to face a huge obstacle that I need to get over, but I still believe that willpower is the key and that I WILL get over it. I just like seeing everything as a challenge because it makes things more meaningful and easier to accept (especially the difficult times.) I think going through rough times strengthens people, and that it is necessary for a really developed person to have gone through the worst of the worst to really experience the best of the best. A lot of the most highly creative and ingenious people have had troubled pasts, and I guess I relate to those that are suffering. I hate hate hate those born with silver spoons in their mouths ... it frustrates me to no end that these people have barely anything to get over. Some things just do not seem fair.
I think that a person has to be REALLY mindful of their goals. I am a huge goal setter and always think about accomplishing things in the near/distant future. I always keep something in mind to spur me on, especially when I feel like the present just sucks ass. That's why I also dislike people who float around without any plans about the future, just too stuck on the present moment.
OMG kudos to whoever reads this entire thing. I liked typing it up - it spilled out "poison" inside me that I wanted to get out anyway ... not enough me me me for this forum yet